Dear football friends,
In anticipation of the new football season I want to take u back into the past, despite the advice we hear so often in our lives, work, marriage and even on the football field, “Just look ahead because you can’t change the past”. Its sounds great, those words, but sometimes it’s so nice to look back! In the past everything was better, RIGHT? But not with my team, so I will try to show you how it works.
In my team there are only young guys (45 years old and even older, much older to be honest.) But we also have some young “rabbits” in the team; one even recently became a father again. Knowing that in my team we only talk and reminisce about what we got up to when we were young - which is why we play in this team - this guy went and did what the rest of us can only talk about after our games.
Our team has two and a half coaches. These coaches are like a safe rock in the sea for our team. This is not a joke because when the game starts it really looks like we have two rocks on the field. Every now and then they move a bit but it’s so slowly you can hardly see it. So is it strange that we have 2.5 coaches? NO, this is very normal for us. Coach Half told us a long time ago that he works in a prison and is not available every weekend. Dear readers, I know u that you must be thinking “does he works in prison or is he a prisoner?” Well we had the same question but when u get bit older u get more perspective. Therefore we also love Coach Half.
In anticipation of the new football season I want to take u back into the past, despite the advice we hear so often in our lives, work, marriage and even on the football field, “Just look ahead because you can’t change the past”. Its sounds great, those words, but sometimes it’s so nice to look back! In the past everything was better, RIGHT? But not with my team, so I will try to show you how it works.
In my team there are only young guys (45 years old and even older, much older to be honest.) But we also have some young “rabbits” in the team; one even recently became a father again. Knowing that in my team we only talk and reminisce about what we got up to when we were young - which is why we play in this team - this guy went and did what the rest of us can only talk about after our games.
Our team has two and a half coaches. These coaches are like a safe rock in the sea for our team. This is not a joke because when the game starts it really looks like we have two rocks on the field. Every now and then they move a bit but it’s so slowly you can hardly see it. So is it strange that we have 2.5 coaches? NO, this is very normal for us. Coach Half told us a long time ago that he works in a prison and is not available every weekend. Dear readers, I know u that you must be thinking “does he works in prison or is he a prisoner?” Well we had the same question but when u get bit older u get more perspective. Therefore we also love Coach Half.
I’d like to take through a normal Sunday morning. Our home games start at 9.30 am. Why for Gods sake it should be so early? Nobody knows, but maybe it’s because then the neighbours so can sleep in and we don’t bother them.I’m usually one of the first to arrive, and take a place at the table near the coffee machine. Dear readers, it is so funny to see these talented guys come in, like young dogs! You can see how motivated they all are, their faces shows it, especially when more then half of the guys say “Goddamned it’s still f*king early, I could sleep for hours” and “I wish I hadn’t drunk that last beer." The same defender always asks; “hey mate, which team are we playing,” so then I think all will be fine, pffffff.
But the nicest moment is yet to come because our coaches expect us to be in before 9 am. As the last seconds approach we all count down and everyone who comes one sec too late gets a nice yell from us, coz he will be the substitute for the coming game. Needless to say we also inform our coaches if they didn’t see who was late, and pass on the name of the guy.
Coach 1 is usually already in and is busy in the board room, don’t ask me what he is doing coz nobody knows. Coach 2 always arrives late; we can see him cycling like an idiot to be on time. He is also the one who tells us which players will play. Don’t think it’s that difficult coz normally he writes the names on a piece of paper on Sunday morning when goes to the toilet. It seems he is able to sit very peacefully and let his thoughts go free. A little after 9 we go to the changing room. This is also very funny; the bag with shirts, shorts and socks is sitting on the ground, so you have to bend over to get your stuff. For us this is the start of our warming up. Some guys are bit naughty and pinch your ass when u bend over but as long it’s part of warming up then everything is allowed. After a while every body is quiet again and gets dressed, although some guys are busier dressing their neighbours than themselves but ok.
Suddenly the door of the changing room opens and Coaches 1 & 2 come in, and welcome us with the famous words: “Good morning assholes! Listen and keep your mouths shut while Coach 2 tells you who’s going to play today.” We even don’t have time to say good morning because Coach 2 continues, and we all know with what sentence he will start coz it’s always the same: “It was not easy to make the list of who’s gonna play, but I have succeeded again”. When we look around in the room and see only 11 healthy players, we ask ourselves why it would be so difficult but ok, Coach 2 can look very strict. Most of time when he tells us who is playing we already start talking to our teammates and Coach 2 soon leaves the room looking a bit pissed off. All the authority he has at home is gone 2 minutes after being with us. Sometimes it creates problems because when we are standing on the field, you can sometimes hear one guy saying; “oh shit, you are also playing today?”
Almost every time when Coach 2 is busy telling us who’s playing, I ask him: “How’s your wife, did you two have a nice time last night?” Then Coach 2 forgets what he wanted to say and looks really angrily at me which is a bit frightening.
Recently a linesman joined our team, don’t ask us why but we live in a free world. One thing is for sure, the guy must have a nice wife. The linesman comes in with his little bag and starts changing his clothes. We can hardly believe it but everything he takes out has been ironed, yes we are all surprised and sometimes we also think that she even irons his dirty underwear but we can’t prove that. We see a crease in his dirty underwear but we don’t dare to come to close to it.
Our warming up is a bit different than normal, because usually you go and run but we discovered that putting some ointment on our legs also helps and give us more time to rest. RED HOT is the name of the cream, just put it on your legs, put some water on it and it feels like your legs are on fire. Some guys forget to put the water on and when they take a shower after the game their legs start burning, this is why they are not 100% during the game. There are even some guys who put the cream on other places of their body, but then I think: guys this is not necessary for the game, right?
Sometimes, just after Coach 2 has told us who is playing, Coach Half comes in. He is a very serious guy and starts immediately with who is gonna play. We look at him bit strangely, coz we just heart from Coach 2 who will play, so we think “miscommunication” but Coach Half continues his talk. It seems that Coach 1 has given him the old list with names on it, hilarity all over and Coach Half decides to leave us and go to the canteen for a cup of coffee.
In the meantime we try to get ready for another exciting game. Coach 1 also changes his clothes; it looks like he will be the referee. Dear readers don’t think that because he is the referee it’s easier for us to win, not at all. Sometimes we really think he doesn’t love us anymore. It looks like we only make the violations on the field. But we are still proud when we see Coach 1 in his cute referee outfit hop over the field, like a young deer.
Coach 2 was our lines man but due to unclear reasons he was replaced to the new linesman. It is maybe nice to tell you that, before the new linesman was with us, Coach 2 was a very serious linesman, at least for the first 10 minutes. Most of time we survived these 10 minutes, despite some mistakes from the linesman, we even accepted that he didn’t see offside because it happened more then 20 metres from him. But it’s funny to see him with his flag, it gives us a comforting feeling to look at the side line and see the corner flag up and his flag down. Yes, it’s normal to us and we are used to it, or at some of us. But when, after 10 minutes, the linesman’s grandson comes to see his grandfather, and we look again to the sideline, we only see the corner flag in right position. Our linesman is gone, why?? Because he is playing with his grandson, really nice for the cute little guy but not so nice for us.
Nevertheless our team does exactly what it says, yes sometimes too exactly. Because when our keeper shouts, “leave the ball” when our opponents take a corner and the ball comes in the penalty area, every defender knows DON’T TOUCH THE BALL, but sometimes also our keeper thinks that and that means our opponents score a goal. But ok he said leave the ball and he was right, he also left it alone, F*CK!
You can read on the face of some of my mates; why we don’t have 2 keepers, because competition is a good thing? But to be honest, he has saved us a lot because he is a good keeper although we as defenders have also saved him a lot. Our midfield is the heart of the team, it’s just a pity they don’t know it themselves. But lucky us we have Coach 2. When he sees the game going badly he jumps of his chair and shouts, sorry I can’t write down which words he uses. A little ashamed, we all go on with the game. Our midfielders are awakened by those words and also Coach 2. Really now and then I think that our referee has to laugh a lot when Coach 2 shouts those dirty words to us but maybe I am wrong.
...to be continued next time!
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